“They have
a broad definition of work. Any kind
of socialising with the wives or husbands of politicians is considered tax
deductible,” said Caroline. “I suppose both at the same time is good
value for money. Well, I’ve got a story which is every bit as good as yours.
Robert’s been to see Melody Bigger, though she’s called something else.”
“You’re joking. How did that happen?”
“She’s making a claim against Monsaint for
unfair dismissal and Robert got the case. He had to go up to Scotland to take
instructions from her. He said it was pure chance he got the case but I’m
worried something’s going on.”
“Melody’s getting her claws into Robert?
That’s a horrible thought.”
“Yes, and wait till you hear this. She’s
found religion. Not exactly found
religion, more founded a religion. It’s
really weird, based on pagan sexual rites.” Caroline leaned across the table. “It’s
about releasing the cosmic power of the female orgasm.”
“Did you say orgasm?” said Antonia. People on the surrounding tables turned
their heads.
“Yes I did. Robert says they work
themselves up into a frenzy at the full moon. He only just got away unscathed.”
“Fantastic, what’s it called?” Antonia
pulled out her smart phone ready for some instant research.
“I can’t remember what the religion’s
called, but she’s called Regina Heart now and her centre is on the Isle of
Mura.”
Antonia tapped in a few letters and
seconds later was waving her hand across the Castle Dunlaggin Experience
website. She loaded the promo video and the tinny tones of Regina joined them
at the table. Caroline tried to speak but Antonia wouldn’t let her. She watched
the video all the way through.
“Well that’s different,” said Antonia. “What’s
your animal guide, Caroline? I know what mine is.”
“I’ve no idea. Robert wanted to show me
but I refused to watch the video. It’s obviously phoney. Melody’s up to
something again, not to mention trying to screw millions out of Monsaint.”
“I think you should give it a chance. As
soon as I watched I knew I had an animal guide. I’ve known all along, I just
haven’t been able to put my finger on it.”
“You’re always putting your finger on it.
Tell me you haven’t got a vibrator in your bag?”
“I haven’t got a vibrator in my bag,” said
Antonia, looking serious. Caroline reached across the table, snatched her shiny
black bag, and emptied the contents on the tablecloth. Caroline rummaged
through a pile of keys, cards, tickets, and a packet of fruit flavoured
condoms. She pulled out a pair of green lace shorties with a bow at the front.
She held them up.
“Very nice. Hoping to get lucky?” said
Caroline.
“I was a girl guide. Be prepared. I never
go out without a Swiss army knife, a spare pair of knickers and my travel
toothbrush.”
“I can’t see a Swiss army knife.” Caroline
rummaged through the pile and picked out the folding toothbrush, and in doing
so nudged a silver bullet-shaped thing which rolled across the tablecloth and
landed on the floor. It continued over to the next table where four young
Japanese tourists, three women and a man, all with multi-coloured hair, were
practising their English. One of the women leant down and picked it up.
“What this called in English, please?” she
asked.
"It’s
called a Magic Bullet,” said Antonia.
“For use in restaurant?” Her female
companions giggled and the young man fired an imaginary gun.
“Depends on the company,” said Antonia.
“Don’t confuse them,” said Caroline. She
turned to the tourists. “It’s a small vibrator. A girl’s best friend.”
“Viblator?”
“Press the button at the top,” said
Antonia. The young woman did not understand.
Antonia stood up and gestured to the young
woman to pass the machine back to her. She sat back down, turned towards their
table, pressed the button, hitched up her skirt, and gave a brief
demonstration.
“Ah, girl’s best flend,” said the Japanese
woman, nodding and smiling comprehension. Her companions laughed uncontrollably
and attracted the attention of a fresh faced, waist-coated waiter. He rushed
over to their table.
“Is there a problem? Do you need any help?”
The Japanese women giggled helplessly. The
waiter caught Antonia red handed, or at least red faced. She tried to look cool
and sophisticated. Caroline reached across the table and snatched the shiny
vibrator.
“I’m
confiscating that,” said Caroline. “Honestly Antonia, you can’t be trusted in
public.”
Caroline was right to be sceptical, but still ended up getting swept along with the wave of enthusiasm for Orgatron training. Of course it ended in tears, but the story had to be told.Extract from Shameless Exposure, coming soon from SteameReads.